Thursday, March 9th, 2017
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6:04 pm - HARRY POTTER'S DONG (a.k.a. "this live journal is friends-only, mostly")
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Yeah, that got your attention. (I am assuming that live journal is still predominantly concerned with HARRY POTTER'S DONG; if not, please imagine the dong of whatever fictional character you spend 90% of your time writing male-pregnancy fan fiction about.)
( alright bitches here is the deal )
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, March 10th, 2009
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10:09 pm - WHO KILLED SCHECTER
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- Schecter's dog
- Papi
- Max's unborn baby
- Dawn Denbo
- Dawn Denbo's lover Cindy
- Tim Henman
- Xena, Warrior Princess
- "Marilyn"
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
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4:56 pm - the empire strikes back
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Why is Aretha Franklin singing the British national anthem? Have we got America back again? I'm not sure we really want it. No more tea for you, Americans! Waste not want not and all that.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, January 19th, 2009
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8:32 am - One-line movie reviews: The Bridge on the River Kwai
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From the golden age of cinema, when men were real men, women (where strictly required) were mostly real women, night was blue-tinted day, and if you needed a bridge over a river to blow up you bloody well built a bridge over a river to blow up.
SCORE: 4 copies of the Geneva Convention hidden about one's person out of 5.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, January 12th, 2009
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12:13 pm - One-line movie reviews: 8½
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I can't remember whether I watched this movie or just had my eyes and ears exposed white noise for two hours.
SCORE: ½ a... something... out of 8.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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12:03 pm - One-line movie reviews: Invisible Dad
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This may be the family movie for you, assuming you subscribe to such traditional family values as casual abduction of women and beating plagiarists unconscious in the toilet.
SCORE: 0 charismatic personalities out of 5.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, December 15th, 2008
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4:24 pm - One-line movie reviews: Stargate Continuum
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Evidence that relentless flagellation of the franchise can occasionally produce a watchable episode should not be taken as encouragement to continue doing so.
SCORE: 3 chapters of autoerotic Baal/Baal fanfiction out of 5.
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, December 9th, 2008
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3:09 pm - kredit krunchmas
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I'm looking forward to my first credit crunchmas! Armed with my wad of monopoly money I ventured into town to exploit the death throes of the high street. Our Woolworths quit a few years ago so I didn't get a chance to trample that particular corpse, but plenty of establishments were smelling pretty necrotic so maybe next year I'll get to enter hand-to-hand combat with a pack of feral shoppers for a gross of unconventionally shaped tupperware.
The thing about this crunchmas is that it is all the same tat for sale as last year, when they used to call it "xmas," e.g. the Deluxe Airbag Enthusiasts Gift Set Including DVD and Book Endorsed By Jeremy Clarkson Endorsements Ltd and the fully posable Russell T Davies figurine. However they are now priced at a far more reasonable 19p and when you buy one you are allowed to punch the checkout assistant in the crotch. (Checkout assistants, their managers and the Crown Prosecution Service may dispute this, but remember that absolutely anyone in this country can now be bribed if you have access to a ten euro note.)
Anyway, an hour and half a dozen crotch punches later my crunchmas sack was loaded. See if you can spot your own present!
- Bar Trek: The Next Gineration liquor drinking game with DVD introduced by Brent Spiner.
- Mo Mowlam Party 8 for Wii.
- The Budget Stargate SG-1 Experience, an all-expenses paid trip to that quarry in Vancouver where 98% of the episodes were filmed.
- A tin of Golden Girls shortbread, with biscuits embossed with the faces of the cast, except for the tall one for legal reasons.
- Harmonica Hero 2 for Xbox, including spittle-sensitive controller.
- High School Musical 53-disc Collector's Edition.
- Kelsey Grammer tablecloth, pack of 3.
- Dr Who® Authentic Chip Oil Barrel™ Collectible Model, a fully posable scale model of the barrel of chip oil featured in the episode School Reunion.
- The Credit Crunch Survival Kit, an envelope with €30 inside.
- A balaclava with Barack Obama's face printed on the front.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Sunday, November 16th, 2008
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3:23 pm - One-line TV show reviews: 30 Rock
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Production tip: help your audience figure out which parts of your chronically unfunny comedy series are supposed to be funny with canned laughter and a large blinking subtitle emphasising the humour, "SHE JUST FELL OVER AT AN INAPPROPRIATE JUNCTURE" e.g.
SCORE: 1 hour of my life that I won't get back out of 5.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, November 3rd, 2008
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7:52 pm - One-line movie reviews: Ed Wood
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In homage to Edward D. Wood Jr, this review is composed of recycled fragments of old reviews.
Legend has it that man-love mostly involves cold-cocking Kung-Fu Panda with the back Jesus' head.
[CUT TO NUCLEAR EXPLOSION]
SCORE: 5 flaming Cadillac hub-caps out of 5.
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(comment on this)
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7:40 pm - One-line movie reviews: Ben-Hur
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For best entertainment value, mentally substitute William Shatner for Charton Heston and Keanu Reeves for the guy who played the back of Jesus' head.
SCORE: 3 mangled corpses of your ex best friend out of 5.
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, September 14th, 2008
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12:02 am - One-line movie reviews: Broke-back Mountain
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This film broadly affirmed my perception that man-love mostly involves punching and shoving.
SCORE: 3 loveless marriages out of 5.
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008
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8:06 am - One-line movie reviews: Stargate, The Ark of Truth
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Legend has it that, hidden in the forests of Vancouver, there exists an ancient magic box which, when opened, will immediately and permanently stop the writers of the Stargate franchise from recycling that one tiresome deus-ex-machina plot formula that has propped up their careers for the last five years.
SCORE: 2 screeching spider robots out of 5
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Wednesday, August 20th, 2008
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9:56 pm - there is always a builder with a camera phone nearby
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I had to repair a puncture for the first time this morning before going to work. At first when I put the air back into it and it didn't all come shooting out again I was all like In your face, rubber, in your face! and running around in a circle with my top over my head. Then I remembered that repairing a puncture is something nearly everyone over the age of 3 does on a regular basis, and people my age probably find it so easy that they do it by accident instead of collecting the mail or cleaning the toilet.
Anyway the wheel bolts were such a shit to undo I thought they might just be a single bit of metal decoratively moulded into the shape of a hex nut on a thread. It seemed pretty even at one point that a) the nut would come off, b) the spanner would melt, c) my arm would gorily rip out like that one trying to pop the lid off a tank with her fingernails, or d) the whole ridiculous tableau would drop into a black hole born of pure futile effort. The nut did come off, but when it came to sticking the wheel back on again I weighed the risk of lolling around with no arms while my bike tries to crush my head, and decided to tighten the bolts with a level of torque I shall describe as "pretty good, considering." As a result, at some point in the next week my front wheel will decide to trundle off on it's own, causing me to flip over and gloss the tarmac with the contents of my face. This will naturally be observed by a nearby builder who will laugh so hard his testicles bounce off the pavement while he simultaneously uploads 17 identical copies of the footage from his camera phone to you tube.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, August 4th, 2008
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7:02 pm - One-line movie previews: The Mummy, Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
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Brendan Fraser cold-cocks another batch of computer generated monsters while delivering his trademark PG-friendly wisecracks professing dismay at finding himself in said predicament; his audience vigorously punch themselves in the heart to keep it beating following the blunt trauma of another Mummy sequel.
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, August 3rd, 2008
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9:55 pm - One-line movie reviews
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Bat Man, the Dark Knight: "I thought this was Kung-Fu Panda?"
SCORE: 2 disfiguring facial scars out of 5.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, July 21st, 2008
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8:30 am - a good dousing
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Everything in the kitchen smells of balsamic vinegar. Also, we are out of balsamic vinegar.
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
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7:21 pm - another design is based on a light which can explode in a shower of pig semen
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An asshole stole the front light off my bike and had a bit of a go at the back one. While I was in Tesco! Is nowhere sacred? Anyway now I'm all coming up with designs for a bike that can fire a powerful stream of hot urine at assholes who try to fuck with it. Just in case this effort comes to fruition:
FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH AND SAFETY
DO NOT FUCK WITH MY BICYCLE.
current mood: hot urine
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, February 19th, 2008
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8:03 pm - BBC 'can bite me'
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My favourite news headline of the day was Sex with corpse 'was wrong'. The spoilsports have of course gone and changed it now, but you can still get your fix of inappropriate scare-quote headlines from the past links on the page.
I have to say that I find the BBC's obsession with the apostrophe in headlines rather grating. Come on, if we were to go to the BBC news website and see the headline Sex with corpse was wrong, we don't read that as The BBC considers sex with corpses to be wrong because, unlike the BBC's science journalists, we are not gibbering imbeciles who take every fragmentary assertion that wanders into our field of consciousness as pure gospel.
Check out the top five headlines. 'Hacker' launches iTunes copying - this is barely more than a fragment of gibberish even by headline writer standards, but no, BBC, no-one will sue you if you assert that DVD Jon is a hacker. Or the "science/nature" section, always good for a laugh. First stars 'may have been dark' - the two layers of hedging you see in that headline is the typical BBC science method of insulating themselves from the responsibility of fact-checking or even sanity-checking the content of the article they are throwing out there. Glance at the press release, copy across a few sentences at random, toss in a few staggeringly inappropriate analogies, make up a shock headline and scare quote the hell out of it. Congratulations, you are a science journalist.
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(comment on this)
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Monday, February 18th, 2008
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8:20 pm - this was on the verge of devolving into a pure Blackadder Goes Forth ripoff
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Chancellor Eyebrows finally found the Nationalise It button on the old govern-o-tron, and now a whole host of talking heads are panicking that the unwashed taxpaying masses are literally going to emerge from the bushes and start crow-barring bricks out of their local Northern Rock branch to take home and put on the mantelpiece, or whatever it is that taxpayers do with bricks. Personally I plan to use my Northern Rock brick to stove in the heads of a few of the investment bankers who thought they could milk just a little bit more out of the whole money-for-nothing fractional reserve thing. Yes, I will be wearing my Northern Rock underpants (they say NATIONALISE THIS across the booty) because I am well stoked that nationalisation is back after thirty-odd chilly years. How about the railways next, Darling? Or just anything else you can think of that might be better off run for the good of everyone in the country rather than for rapacious profits of a select few; I'm sure something will come to you during all the time you'll be spending over the next few weeks repeating the phrase "best value for the taxpayer's money." We know it was the right thing to do because we've heard the Conservative guy outline his alternate strategy of waving a magic wand to make the whole situation go away. Now: do it again, and this time make like you mean it.
I do feel a bit sad, mind you, that Richard Branston missed out. I can't think of a better name for a bank than Virgin Rock.
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