live journal smells

WHO KILLED SCHECTER

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 22:29:34 GMT

Schecter's dog
Papi
Max's unborn baby
Dawn Denbo
Dawn Denbo's lover Cindy
Tim Henman
Xena, Warrior Princess
"Marilyn"

the empire strikes back

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 17:02:46 GMT

Why is Aretha Franklin singing the British national anthem? Have we got America back again? I'm not sure we really want it. No more tea for you, Americans! Waste not want not and all that.

One-line movie reviews: The Bridge on the River Kwai

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 08:39:22 GMT

From the golden age of cinema, when men were real men, women (where strictly required) were mostly real women, night was blue-tinted day, and if you needed a bridge over a river to blow up you bloody well built a bridge over a river to blow up.

SCORE: 4 copies of the Geneva Convention hidden about one's person out of 5.

One-line movie reviews: 8½

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 12:16:02 GMT

I can't remember whether I watched this movie or just had my eyes and ears exposed white noise for two hours.

SCORE: ½ a... something... out of 8.

One-line movie reviews: Invisible Dad

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 12:12:44 GMT

This may be the family movie for you, assuming you subscribe to such traditional family values as casual abduction of women and beating plagiarists unconscious in the toilet.

SCORE: 0 charismatic personalities out of 5.

One-line movie reviews: Stargate Continuum

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 16:28:00 GMT

Evidence that relentless flagellation of the franchise can occasionally produce a watchable episode should not be taken as encouragement to continue doing so.

SCORE: 3 chapters of autoerotic Baal/Baal fanfiction out of 5.

kredit krunchmas

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:09:28 GMT

I'm looking forward to my first credit crunchmas! Armed with my wad of monopoly money I ventured into town to exploit the death throes of the high street. Our Woolworths quit a few years ago so I didn't get a chance to trample that particular corpse, but plenty of establishments were smelling pretty necrotic so maybe next year I'll get to enter hand-to-hand combat with a pack of feral shoppers for a gross of unconventionally shaped tupperware.

The thing about this crunchmas is that it is all the same tat for sale as last year, when they used to call it "xmas," e.g. the Deluxe Airbag Enthusiasts Gift Set Including DVD and Book Endorsed By Jeremy Clarkson Endorsements Ltd and the fully posable Russell T Davies figurine. However they are now priced at a far more reasonable 19p and when you buy one you are allowed to punch the checkout assistant in the crotch. (Checkout assistants, their managers and the Crown Prosecution Service may dispute this, but remember that absolutely anyone in this country can now be bribed if you have access to a ten euro note.)

Anyway, an hour and half a dozen crotch punches later my crunchmas sack was loaded. See if you can spot your own present!

Bar Trek: The Next Gineration liquor drinking game with DVD introduced by Brent Spiner.
Mo Mowlam Party 8 for Wii.
The Budget Stargate SG-1 Experience, an all-expenses paid trip to that quarry in Vancouver where 98% of the episodes were filmed.
A tin of Golden Girls shortbread, with biscuits embossed with the faces of the cast, except for the tall one for legal reasons.
Harmonica Hero 2 for Xbox, including spittle-sensitive controller.
High School Musical 53-disc Collector's Edition.
Kelsey Grammer tablecloth, pack of 3.
Dr Who® Authentic Chip Oil Barrel™ Collectible Model, a fully posable scale model of the barrel of chip oil featured in the episode School Reunion.
The Credit Crunch Survival Kit, an envelope with €30 inside.
A balaclava with Barack Obama's face printed on the front.

One-line TV show reviews: 30 Rock

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 15:44:50 GMT

Production tip: help your audience figure out which parts of your chronically unfunny comedy series are supposed to be funny with canned laughter and a large blinking subtitle emphasising the humour, "SHE JUST FELL OVER AT AN INAPPROPRIATE JUNCTURE" e.g.

SCORE: 1 hour of my life that I won't get back out of 5.

One-line movie reviews: Ed Wood

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 20:01:58 GMT

In homage to Edward D. Wood Jr, this review is composed of recycled fragments of old reviews.

Legend has it that man-love mostly involves cold-cocking Kung-Fu Panda with the back Jesus' head.
[CUT TO NUCLEAR EXPLOSION]

SCORE: 5 flaming Cadillac hub-caps out of 5.

One-line movie reviews: Ben-Hur

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:44:40 GMT

For best entertainment value, mentally substitute William Shatner for Charton Heston and Keanu Reeves for the guy who played the back of Jesus' head.

SCORE: 3 mangled corpses of your ex best friend out of 5.

One-line movie reviews: Broke-back Mountain

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 23:10:00 GMT

This film broadly affirmed my perception that man-love mostly involves punching and shoving.

SCORE: 3 loveless marriages out of 5.

One-line movie reviews: Stargate, The Ark of Truth

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 20:20:12 GMT

Legend has it that, hidden in the forests of Vancouver, there exists an ancient magic box which, when opened, will immediately and permanently stop the writers of the Stargate franchise from recycling that one tiresome deus-ex-machina plot formula that has propped up their careers for the last five years.

SCORE: 2 screeching spider robots out of 5

there is always a builder with a camera phone nearby

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:34:50 GMT

I had to repair a puncture for the first time this morning before going to work. At first when I put the air back into it and it didn't all come shooting out again I was all like In your face, rubber, in your face! and running around in a circle with my top over my head. Then I remembered that repairing a puncture is something nearly everyone over the age of 3 does on a regular basis, and people my age probably find it so easy that they do it by accident instead of collecting the mail or cleaning the toilet.

Anyway the wheel bolts were such a shit to undo I thought they might just be a single bit of metal decoratively moulded into the shape of a hex nut on a thread. It seemed pretty even at one point that a) the nut would come off, b) the spanner would melt, c) my arm would gorily rip out like that one trying to pop the lid off a tank with her fingernails, or d) the whole ridiculous tableau would drop into a black hole born of pure futile effort. The nut did come off, but when it came to sticking the wheel back on again I weighed the risk of lolling around with no arms while my bike tries to crush my head, and decided to tighten the bolts with a level of torque I shall describe as "pretty good, considering." As a result, at some point in the next week my front wheel will decide to trundle off on it's own, causing me to flip over and gloss the tarmac with the contents of my face. This will naturally be observed by a nearby builder who will laugh so hard his testicles bounce off the pavement while he simultaneously uploads 17 identical copies of the footage from his camera phone to you tube.

One-line movie previews: The Mummy, Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 18:34:03 GMT

Brendan Fraser cold-cocks another batch of computer generated monsters while delivering his trademark PG-friendly wisecracks professing dismay at finding himself in said predicament; his audience vigorously punch themselves in the heart to keep it beating following the blunt trauma of another Mummy sequel.

One-line movie reviews

Sun, 03 Aug 2008 20:58:25 GMT

Bat Man, the Dark Knight: "I thought this was Kung-Fu Panda?"

SCORE: 2 disfiguring facial scars out of 5.

a good dousing

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 07:30:55 GMT

Everything in the kitchen smells of balsamic vinegar. Also, we are out of balsamic vinegar.

another design is based on a light which can explode in a shower of pig semen

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 18:29:51 GMT

An asshole stole the front light off my bike and had a bit of a go at the back one. While I was in Tesco! Is nowhere sacred? Anyway now I'm all coming up with designs for a bike that can fire a powerful stream of hot urine at assholes who try to fuck with it. Just in case this effort comes to fruition:

FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH AND SAFETY
DO NOT FUCK WITH MY BICYCLE.

BBC 'can bite me'

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 21:04:09 GMT

My favourite news headline of the day was Sex with corpse 'was wrong'. The spoilsports have of course gone and changed it now, but you can still get your fix of inappropriate scare-quote headlines from the past links on the page.

I have to say that I find the BBC's obsession with the apostrophe in headlines rather grating. Come on, if we were to go to the BBC news website and see the headline Sex with corpse was wrong, we don't read that as The BBC considers sex with corpses to be wrong because, unlike the BBC's science journalists, we are not gibbering imbeciles who take every fragmentary assertion that wanders into our field of consciousness as pure gospel.

Check out the top five headlines. 'Hacker' launches iTunes copying - this is barely more than a fragment of gibberish even by headline writer standards, but no, BBC, no-one will sue you if you assert that DVD Jon is a hacker. Or the "science/nature" section, always good for a laugh. First stars 'may have been dark' - the two layers of hedging you see in that headline is the typical BBC science method of insulating themselves from the responsibility of fact-checking or even sanity-checking the content of the article they are throwing out there. Glance at the press release, copy across a few sentences at random, toss in a few staggeringly inappropriate analogies, make up a shock headline and scare quote the hell out of it. Congratulations, you are a science journalist.

this was on the verge of devolving into a pure Blackadder Goes Forth ripoff

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 22:25:29 GMT

Chancellor Eyebrows finally found the Nationalise It button on the old govern-o-tron, and now a whole host of talking heads are panicking that the unwashed taxpaying masses are literally going to emerge from the bushes and start crow-barring bricks out of their local Northern Rock branch to take home and put on the mantelpiece, or whatever it is that taxpayers do with bricks. Personally I plan to use my Northern Rock brick to stove in the heads of a few of the investment bankers who thought they could milk just a little bit more out of the whole money-for-nothing fractional reserve thing. Yes, I will be wearing my Northern Rock underpants (they say NATIONALISE THIS across the booty) because I am well stoked that nationalisation is back after thirty-odd chilly years. How about the railways next, Darling? Or just anything else you can think of that might be better off run for the good of everyone in the country rather than for rapacious profits of a select few; I'm sure something will come to you during all the time you'll be spending over the next few weeks repeating the phrase "best value for the taxpayer's money." We know it was the right thing to do because we've heard the Conservative guy outline his alternate strategy of waving a magic wand to make the whole situation go away. Now: do it again, and this time make like you mean it.

I do feel a bit sad, mind you, that Richard Branston missed out. I can't think of a better name for a bank than Virgin Rock.

telling moments in internet history #291,401

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 21:02:52 GMT

What were internet users' most pressing issues in 2007?

the best part of Grand Designs is the moment where their dreams turn into shit

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 21:32:37 GMT

That episode of Grand Designs was completely weak.

Outer walls didn't crumble away during a mild shower.
No one-of-a-kind hand-crafted parts shipped from Belize turned out to be five times too small.
Sewage pipe not accidentally hooked up to the shower.
No-one cock-dropped the architect.
Didn't unearth thousands of tiny human skulls while digging a pit for the septic tank.
Couple didn't file for divorce over the position of the wall-mounted toothbrush holder.
Contractors not a bunch of incompetent fucknobs.
No-one dead in tragic spackling accident.
Doorknobs not forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Monstrously rich owners not preposterously claiming to be impoverished by endeavour.
Finished on time.

The only time things even got marginally interesting was when the windows arrived... with the handles on the left! Yikes! I could tell the fat guy was ready to storm out of there and have the place dynamited and the rubble dumped into the ocean, but he caved, the pussy. Of course the entire place looks like a joke now, with the left handed windows. He's the laughing stock of the putrifyingly rich.

the fact that it is in dollars rounds the insult off perfectly

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 22:10:55 GMT

Now that my company has been bought out by Megabucks Plc, my attention turns to the 3,000 share options I have. Is DJ MON£Y KA$$$H back in the house? Not quite. Exercising my 3,000 share options nets me a cool $79. Hold on, there's more! A cool $79 plus ten shares in Megabucks Plc! The future is looking up.

Once my options have been exercised, I will reinvest the capital in diversifying my entertainment portfolio. I will make an immediate move to acquire a 100% stake in a DVD box-set from Amazon. If executed properly, this deal could significantly reduce on-couch channel surfing overheads during the fourth quarter. If a favourable financial agreement can be struck, I will examine my remaining funds and consider a takeover bid on a second-hand CD. The success of this second phase will depend heavily on the state of the market, the strength of the pound, and whether I find anything that isn't all scratched up to hell. The risk is also much greater, since it might turn out to be some cheesy shit that I end up hating.

Regardless of the outcome of phase two, I will subsequently declare a moratorium on mergers and acquisitions for the period until my next credit card bill comes through.

Future considerations include dividend payments on my ten shares, which may trigger the purchase of a bag of Skittles. Capital gains tax may force this option to be downgraded to a bag of crisps or a Wispa. I will keep you updated.

No words...

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 17:57:26 GMT

I have no words...

They should have sent a poet.

oh boy, OJ, what haven't you done this time?

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 16:35:57 GMT

Sports memorabilia? Do you still get the chair for that these days?

Remember kids, if you think OJ Simpson is guilty, you're being racist.

7th of September 2007: A Diary of Small Thoughts

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 17:37:29 GMT

8.30: A construction worker yelled loudly and urgently in my ear. I cringed and scanned the surrounding area for falling pallets of bricks. It turned out that he was just calling his colleague ugly. It is my opinion that construction workers should not be allowed to yell loudly and urgently unless something is about kill someone. I want to save my abject cowering for when I am about to be crushed by a falling pallet of bricks for real.

8.43: Distressed by the fact that I cannot remember whether 'alighting' means getting on or getting off. Knowing that it definitely means either one or the other is actually worse than useless.

8.51: Enjoyed an old Electrelane track for a few brief seconds, until I remembered how horrible their second album is. Is it possible for a bad second album to retroactively degrade the first album? There ought to be consumer laws about this. If, instead of releasing a second album, the band started following me around and punching me in the head every time I listened to their record, that would definitely be illegal.

9.10: "Nose to the grindstone" is a truly dreadful phrase. Who coined it and what sort of job did they have in which "nose to the grindstone" was a reasonable synonym for daily work? The resigned tone of it also bothers me: if you're getting your nose ground off, you ought to be able to make a fuss about it. If I were that person, my saying would be "AHHH MY FACE MAKE IT STOP," not sure it it would have caught on though.

10.25: Thinking about the Electrelane thing, I wonder if actual crimes ought also to be crimes if they happen metaphorically. I mean if someone metaphorically kills me, sure they didn't actually kill me, but they definitely did something pretty bad. What sort of punishment should apply to a metaphorical killer though? The obvious answer is a metaphorical life sentence, I suppose, although there is something to be said for metaphorically killing the person back. There's no rule against metaphorical corporal punishment in this country that I know of.

11.29: Dictionary.com thinks 'alight' means getting off, although it gives an example of a bird alighting on a tree, which kind of sounds like getting on. This has not helped at all.

12.10: Slightly disturbed myself by thinking "time to destroy lunch" rather than the more traditional "time to eat lunch" that a sane person might think at lunch-time. It could be argued that in the process of eating lunch one is sort of destroying it, but clearly destroying does not imply eating. More a sort of mauling action, perhaps, without actually ingesting anything. Violent thoughts towards food is almost certainly a sign of declining mind.

12.40: Ate lunch with extreme care, without any hint of mauling. Both my lunch and I agreed that the situation was farcical in the extreme.

14.45: Not for the first time I savagely cursed the name of "Windows Vista" and all those poxy swine who wrought its miserable existence.

16.20: New pet hate: people who tell me to "ping" them. It's email, isn't it? You want me to email you. Mind you, "email me" probably sounded ridiculous twenty years ago. Maybe in 2027 we'll be "pinging" the hell out of each other, and dancing merrily on the flattened grave of our collective self-respect.